What Not To Wear
by Duppy Conqueror
Summary: Like you haven't noticed how awful the suits on this show are. Valera has, and she's going to break Ryan of the habit whatever it takes. Pretty PG except for use of the F Word. Set during "Ambush" and "All In" in S6.


Disclaimer: I own nothing related to CSI: Miami or TLC's What Not to Wear. "And I am Telling You I'm Not Going" was written by Tom Eyen and Henry Krieger for the musical "Dreamgirls".

A/N: This takes place during "Ambush" and "All In" in Season 6. I'm not done with my other story "Evenings with Lenny", but I've been busy and this was sitting around on my laptop. So in lieu of Lenny I give you this.

What Not to Wear

It was a beautiful Miami morning, and Maxine Valera was happily whistling her way through her morning shower. Her life was good of late and she had a lot to be thankful for. Her boyfriend Ryan was no longer gambling, he was dealing with his addiction, that's right addiction. They'd both learned to say it out loud, no more lies. They'd started counseling, well he had started counseling, and she participated when necessary. They'd made the decision to move him into her apartment. Things between them were starting to get back to normal, better than normal in fact.

Valera ditched whistling for singing softly under her breath as she thought about how relieved she and Ryan had been when he got reinstated at the Miami Dade Crime Lab. He was back to being a criminalist and she was back to sleeping at night. Ryan was no longer living under the black cloud of snarkiness and depression that seemed to envelop him as the gambling losses got bigger. For awhile his attitude had been so awful, his mind consumed only with money that Valera was unsure she could hang in there for him.

But those dark days were over now. He had manned up, and she had stood by her man. Valera was proud of them both. A lot of people had told her to leave, Ryan included, and she'd been tempted to heed their advice. After all, she was Valera the laid back, Valera the free spirit, Valera the girl who took nothing seriously, aside from her job. But she'd stayed and she'd fought, and they'd won. In celebration of that victory, she wanted to sing at the top of her lungs in the shower and no one was going to stop her. Valera tore the detachable shower head from its station and began to do her best Effie White impression.

_And I am telling you  
I'm not going.  
You're the best man I'll ever know.  
There's no way I can ever go,  
No, no, no, no way,  
No, no, no, no way I'm livin' without you.  
I'm not livin' without you.  
I don't want to be free.  
I'm stayin',  
I'm stayin',  
And you, and you, you're gonna love me.  
Ooh, you're gonna love me._

It was fun and cathartic, and when it was done Valera was sure nothing could ruin her good mood. Her certainty only lasted the length of time it took her to towel off and enter the bedroom where Ryan was dressing. Valera's good spirits immediately plunged at the sight that greeted her. He was doing it again, ruining his natural beauty and dampening her sexual desire for him by donning a truly ugly suit. Valera shuddered as he paired a canary yellow shirt with some navy blue pants. She managed to hold herself back until he picked out his tie for the day. It was yellow, with white stripes, and classified as a cardinal fashion sin. As he began to knot the offending garment at his throat Valera could stand it no longer.

"Are you going to wear that?"

Ryan Wolfe jumped in surprise at the sound of his girlfriend's voice. He'd been concentrating on achieving the perfect four in kind with his tie and hadn't even noticed her approach. The last time he'd mentally checked on her she was destroying musical theatre in the shower.

He tried to school his features into a look that said _International Man of Mystery_ instead of _I nearly wet my pants just now_. "Jesus Maxine! Never startle a man with a gun."

Valera simply rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "I've been here for the last five minutes watching you commit your usual fashion faux pas. Seriously Ryan, it's not like you're dressing in the dark. Can you even see yourself?"

Ryan quirked his eyebrow and surveyed his tie. "What? Am I doing it wrong? I mean, I'm pretty sure the half-Windsor knot is only for formal occasions."

"Ryan it's not how you knot it, it's the tie itself. Not to mention the suit, the suit is all kinds of wrong."

Now it was Ryan's turn to roll his eyes. "Max, we've discussed this. It doesn't matter how stuffy you think suits at work are, I have to make an effort for the first while back."

"You've been back for three months now Ryan and you worked hard to get there. I don't think Horatio expects you to dress like a stiff to prove your loyalty." Valera mumbled angrily, while digging through her underwear drawer.

Ryan struck a pose in the mirror. "Fair enough. But seriously, what's wrong with a suit Max? I think it's kinda dapper."

Valera pulled on her panties and fumbled with her bra. "You're a criminalist Ryan, not a hedge fund manager. You're more likely to spend the day knee deep in human soup, not doing lunch on Fifth Avenue. The suit just gets in the way of the job."

"H wears a suit everyday and it doesn't slow him down." Ryan replied straightening his tie.

Valera gave him a look while she battled with the clasp on her bra. "Horatio doesn't do the dirty work Ryan, that's the benefit of seniority. Also, I have never seen H in a pink, yellow, green or orange shirt and tie combo."

"What's wrong with my shirt and tie? They match." He stated it with such innocence that

Valera was tempted to let it go and allow him his ignorance. Tempted, but not convinced. "What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it? How shall I tell thee, let me, let me count the, fucking bra, hold on."

She couldn't argue with him while her arms were behind her back, it just wasn't authoritative. So she abandoned the bra and stood before him in her panties, hands on her hips.

"The shirt is yellow Ryan. The tie is yellow. The suit is navy blue. This whole suit and tie at work thing is dumb enough, but you could at least be sober and dignified about it. Cause honestly, you've gone a little native if you get my drift. I feel like I'm dating Rico Suave. Should I buy some all white outfits and get some fake nails to keep up?" Valera's

chest was heaving as she finished her outburst.

"Jeez Max, don't hold back, tell me how you really feel." Ryan said sarcastically as he enjoyed the show south of her chin.

"Argue with my face Ryan, not my tits."

"I'm mad at your face right now so this is the best alternative." Ryan moved into his usual interrogation stance, right arm over chest, left hand on cheek and looked down at Valera's chest. "Okay _ladies_, please tell me why the woman attached to you is acting so crazy."

Valera threw her hands in the air and walked away from him. "Fine if you're going to wear that, I'm wearing The Shirt." Valera let the threat sink in as she reached for her bra on the floor.

"What shirt? Which shirt is The Shirt?" Ryan asked. Like most men he wasn't that up on his significant other's wardrobe. He only remembered the really hot outfits and the truly awful stuff. The truly awful stuff like…The Shirt.

"Oh no Max come on, not that shirt." He moaned inwardly as he thought of the hideous white and yellowy brown striped shirt Natalia had given Maxine for Christmas. Ryan truly cared for Natalia, she was his friend and colleague, but her taste in clothes was like her taste in men, questionable.

Valera was already squirreling around in her closet searching for The Shirt. With a cry of triumph she found it. She quickly hooked her bra in place and pulled the garish blouse over her head. She was about to step out of the closet and model her wardrobe choice for Ryan when she spotted something else that was sure to bug him. He only remembered four things in her closet, two of them The Dress, and The Lacy Thing, were items he loved. The other two, one of which she was wearing now he hated. Valera decided to go full tilt and pulled The Pants off their hanger.

Ryan couldn't stand those pants. They were beige, polyester and completely obscured her ass in unattractive folds and tucks of material. She also suspected he disliked the pants because she'd been wearing them the day she'd gone on a date with Nick Townsend. She'd done her best to forget the whole mess, but it seemed Ryan had categorized and stored every detail of her wardrobe, actions and words on the day in question. Typical cop she'd thought at the time when he'd driven her home because she was too upset to do it herself. But, she'd come to find it was more a case of typical smitten man. Truth be told, Valera acknowledged their hideousness and only wore them when lack of clean laundry dictated it, but she wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine.

"Ta da!" Valera sprung out of the closet and cat walked her way over to Ryan.

Ryan pulled a face as Valera continued her strutting. "Oh not The Pants too! I thought you'd goodwilled those."

"Not a chance _mon amour_," Valera said putting on a French accent and cocking her hip at him, one hand behind her ear. "Ow could I re-zist such an ensemble? Notice ze sev-van-tays collar on zis blouse, the trés elegant way ze pants fa-breek does nothing for _moi_ _derriere_. The _fantastique_ color scheme. It is perfection _non_?"

Ryan's eyebrows were in full scowl mode. "I'm sure no French person actually sounds like that. I'm also pretty sure that what you're wearing is way worse than this suit." He stated.

Valera remained defiant. "Maybe in your eyes darling, but take a good look. You know how much you hate to see me in this? That's how much I hate you in the orange and electric blue tie with the matching shirt. Nothing rhymes with orange Ryan, and there's no excuse for wearing it."

He rolled his eyes and checked his watch. They didn't have the time to argue about this. He wasn't even sure why they were arguing about it, or if they were even arguing at all. Valera liked to call fights, _discussions_, as if that made it better somehow. "Be that as it may, I hope you enjoy making your point all day, because we've wasted our whole morning arguing over this, and now you're gonna have to wear that to work."

Ryan felt this meant he'd won by default, if they were actually even arguing, because Valera would be mortified to wear that outfit to work.

But Valera would not cede so easily. "Good. I hope every time you see me today it reminds you of what jackasses we both look like, you especially, because I know these clothes are ugly, but you think you're doing fine. In fact, I think I might wear my lab shoes all day every where I go."

Ryan's eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't dare."

Valera knew of his deep seated hatred for her lab shoes. They were Crocs. Hot pink Crocs. With stupid little charms stuck in the holes near the toes. He understood that they were practical for the lab. He'd stood for hours in labs at university and at work, so he knew one did require breathable, comfortable, non-slip footwear in order to last the day. None of this changed the fact that Ryan thought Crocs were the least appealing thing a woman could put on her feet. He and Eric both agreed that if the tourists didn't stop wearing them in the greater Miami area soon, MDPD would have to start issuing citations.

She narrowed her eyes right back. "Try me."

To prove her resolve Valera marched out of the bedroom and into the living room where her work bag was packed and waiting. It was a canvas tote she'd gotten at the last forensics conference she'd attended in Seattle. There was a worn image of the Space Needle on the front of the bag. Inside, her hot pink Crocs were waiting to start another day at the lab. Valera pulled them out and plunked them on her feet.

She threw the tote over her shoulder and tucked her hair behind her ears. "Alright Ryan I'm ready, let's go."

Ryan sauntered into the living room and raised an eyebrow at her. "Max, really, you should see yourself right now. You look like the girl in my high school that ate her own eyebrows in class."

Valera's response was to stick her tongue out. "What I look like is the Ghost of What Not to Wear and I'm going to haunt you all day long."

Ryan just shook his head and dug the keys to the Hummer out of his pocket. "Whatever, we're gonna be late. Come on."

She caught sight of the set of keys in his hands and frowned when she realized which vehicle it belonged to. "We're taking the Hummer? Ryan you know I hate that thing why do you keep bringing it home from work?" It killed her inner conservationist to ride in a Hummer.

"Are you going to complain about everything this morning Valera?" Ryan asked. He was angry and it showed in the use of her last name. He only called her Valera if they were at work or if he felt the need to distance himself from her. "My kit is in the Hummer and it's been fitted with some onboard diagnostic machines. Seeing as I can get called into work at any time of day or night it just makes sense."

Valera knew that wasn't the only reason he'd been using the departmental vehicle so much. His finances had been stretched to the breaking point by both the gambling and the dismissal. Ryan had sold his car while working at the gun range and had relied on her Prius to get around until he'd started back at the lab. Driving Valera's car and using her money to fill its tank had wounded Ryan's already fragile pride. The Hummer may not have been his, but it restored some of the self reliance he'd lost while unemployed.

Like any long term girlfriend Valera knew how to pick her battles. Today was about his clothes, not his car. "Okay, I'm sorry, let's just go." she huffed and banged her way out of the apartment.

Ryan followed her out the door and paused to lift his eyes skyward. He wasn't particularly religious, but he prayed to whatever forces where out there for a change in Valera's mood. She'd been singing in the shower earlier, usually that meant she was going to be all smiles and rainbows. Surely his choice of clothing could not have actually angered her. Could it? Of course not, that would be ridiculous. It wasn't like he loved the outfit she was wearing, and the Crocs definitely irked him, but it was just clothes. He'd never actually encourage her to dress differently. Unless she decided to show up to work in The Lacy Thing, and that wouldn't even bother him, he'd actually kind of love it. But, he suspected their superiors would not.

Convinced she couldn't really be that angry over something as trivial as dress sense Ryan got into the Hummer and assumed his usual driving-with-Valera-stance. He placed one hand on the wheel, one hand on her knee and both eyes on the road, or in this case when backing out, the rear window.

Valera looked at his hand as if it had burned her. She turned eyes filled with disbelief towards her boyfriend. "What the hell is this?"

"What is what?" Ryan asked.

Valera removed his hand from her knee and placed it on the gear shift. "Hands to yourself while you're wearing an assy suit."

"You can't be serious!" Ryan paused in backing the Hummer out of its parking space to face his girlfriend; his beautiful, loving, clearly insane girlfriend.

"I am totally serious." Valera replied folding her arms over her chest and looking out window.

Ryan resisted the urge to rub his face in frustration. "Fine. At this point we're gonna be lucky to make it in on time. Just, just do whatever you want."

The drive to the crime lab was quiet and tension filled. Valera knew she was being a bit harsh, but he had to learn sometime that salmon pink shirt and tie combos were unacceptable. And judging by how sharply Ryan was taking the turns he was starting to get her point.

After another turn that nearly took the Hummer up on two wheels Ryan pulled into the lab parking lot. He parked the monstrosity as gracefully as possible given its size, and his edginess, and turned to Valera. "Ok. Usually at this point I get to kiss you because we're not allowed to display any kind of affection for each other at work. We probably shouldn't even kiss here in the lab parking lot given Stetler's fascism and my shaky standing at work. But, I take that risk every morning because I love you and find it extremely hard to be in the same room as you without touching and, and well that's it. So I'm asking nicely, and believe me that isn't easy right now, can I kiss you?"

Valera's eyes softened at his plea, but she shook it off, he had to learn. "I want to say yes Ryan, but I can't. It would be like when Calleigh's cat gets into her fancy sitting room and she tempts it out with treats. It's not allowed in there in the first place and it's never going to learn if it keeps getting rewarded for bad behavior."

Ryan dropped his head into his hands at her answer. "Valera," he mumbled through his hands. "Did you just compare me to the unfortunately named Spunky Mewster?"

"Well…"

Ryan scrubbed his hands over his face. "Don't answer that, let's just go to work."

The look on Ryan's face nearly caused Valera to reconsider her campaign against his dress style, but she focused on remembering his lime green dress shirt and matching green and pink tie to overcome her second thoughts. Chin up, she exited the vehicle and started towards the lab. Valera nearly smacked into Eric as she stomped through the doors.

"Whoa, Val watch where you're going," Eric started. Suddenly her hot pink Crocs caught his eye. Eric nearly groaned. God he hated those shoes, even Calleigh couldn't make them hot. Eric's gaze ran up Valera's body from Crocs to fugly blouse. "Uh, you ok Val? You uh, don't look like yourself today."

Valera stopped and clenched her fists. It was bad enough she had to dress awful just to teach Ryan a lesson, now people were pointing it out. She tried to remind herself that it wasn't Eric's fault she was stuck in her laundry day trousers. Then again Valera was starting to notice a pattern in Eric and Ryan's dress. If Eric wore a suit to work Ryan seemed to somehow sense what was coming, and dressed more casual. When Ryan wore a suit Eric did not. Today was no exception. Valera took one look at Eric's stylish, yet casual outfit and turned angrily on him and Ryan.

"Well, I see you two are still dressing in rotation." Valera snapped, before stomping off towards her lab. She paused and whirled around to face Eric. "How about you wear a suit for the next few days so Ryan's forced to wear jeans?"

Eric gave her a questioning look as she tore off down the hallway. Was it him or was her ass looking particularly sad in those pants today? He shook the thought off and turned to Ryan. "Um, what the hell was that?"

Ryan shrugged and made a Fucked-If-I-Know face. "I've got no idea dude. I got up this morning, she was fine. I took a shower, she was fine. She took a shower, she was more than fine, sang all the way through it. I got dressed, she lost her mind." he blew out his cheeks and pushed his hands away from his ears to mime Valera's head exploding. "Then she dressed like a psychedelic soccer mom to teach me a lesson. Oh, and I'm not allowed to touch her, and not just cause I'm at work."

"Crazy." Eric offered. "But you'd better leave it at the door man. We've got a full day, Kathleen Newberry turned up dead."

Ryan's eyes widened. "You're kidding. The woman who Kyle allegedly kidnapped?"

"Yeah, the one and only." Eric replied.

"Great." Ryan squeezed the bridge of his nose. "Can this day get any worse?"

"Don't tempt fate man." Eric warned as both men started towards Horatio's office to be debriefed.

xxXxx

The answer to Ryan's question was yes, the day could get worse, much worse. First, Calleigh's camera disappeared compromising the chain of conduct and with it the evidence. Then everyone in the lab had received the crime scene photos she'd taken via email. Discovering "Solve a crime with Calleigh" only added to the calamitous nature of the day. After Calleigh had left him alone with his laptop Ryan decided to head over to the A/V lab. Dan Cooper, and his infinite knowledge of computers may not have been available, but Ryan thought he himself might be able to figure out who was running the website.

It wasn't like he'd never been in an A/V room before. He'd been Treasurer of the A/V Club in high school. Truth be told, he'd wanted to be President, but he had a sneaking suspicion his mostly Irish Catholic club mates had voted to make the Jew head of the money. It wasn't like it was a bad gig, not at all. He'd just been surprised that science minded, Star Trek loving, geeks were just as likely to buy into stereotypes as their less scholarly peers.

Valera found him in the A/V Lab ruminating about the nature of human interactions and IP addresses.

"I missed you at lunch." She said hanging back between Ryan and the door.

He turned to face her. "What? I figured we weren't having lunch, you know because of this stupid thing you have going on over my clothes." Ryan knew he sounded pissy, but it was shaping up to be long day and he didn't really have time for Valera's haunting him with clothes business.

Valera walked up to the computer terminals and stood beside him. "Well I was going to apologize to you and ask you what was going on with the pictures I got in my email. But, if you're going to be a dick about it, I have to tell you, everyone I've explained my objections about your suit to has agreed with me."

He rolled his eyes and turned back to the screens in front of him. "Really? Well that's great Valera, I'm happy for you. But, I'm really busy here. Somebody's messing with Calleigh and that's a little more important than your, or the secretary pool's, opinion of my suit."

"What?" Valera peered up at the screens where "Solve a crime with Calleigh" was being displayed. "What is this? I thought those pictures were just a joke."

"If it is it's a pretty sick joke." Ryan said, as he brought up the video streamer on the website.

Ryan began trying to trace the IP address for the website. He and Valera chatted civilly as he tried to work out who was trying to sabotage their co-worker. In that moment Valera didn't care if Ryan wore an entire canary yellow suit to work with white snakeskin shoes, just as long as he found the person responsible for the website. She listened as he thought out loud and her heart fell when he recognized the streaming program on the site.

"I know who did this." Ryan announced, reaching for his cell phone. "Yeah, Calleigh? It's Ryan. Dan Cooper's the one messing with you. I'm sure of it."

Ryan ended the call and looked down at Valera. Her face displayed their mutual disappointment about his discovery. Valera had been shocked when Dan Cooper had used Speedle's credit card, but she'd hoped he was on the path to getting his life back in order. Dan had been her friend, and she hated to see him commit such malicious acts.

Even if she was acting crazy it killed Ryan to see her sad. "Hey Max…I'm sorry about Dan. I'm just as pissed as you that he's doing this to Calleigh and himself." He said soothingly. He wanted to hug her, but he didn't know if she'd allow it given her rules for the day. He was, after all, still wearing his "assy suit".

Valera blinked a few times as tears stung her eyes. "Yeah, I know. Thanks. But I guess there's not much we can do. Dan made his own bed." She wished she knew why Dan was being such an idiot and how they could all help him.

Ryan sensed her confusion and the vulnerability it created. "So hey this thing with you and me, maybe we could call a truce," He slipped two fingers under her chin. "I mean things are tough enough today as it is."

Valera lifted her eyes to his warily. "What?"

She was worried about Calleigh. And Dan's behaviour was causing a lot of grief, but the only thing Valera could picture as she stared into Ryan's plaintive face was the doleful look Spunky Mewster used to get out of trouble. She had to remain strong.

"What?" she asked again.

"I said…can we forget this whole thing with my clothes?" Ryan replied.

"What?"

Ryan was puzzled. They were standing too close together for Valera to be unable to hear him. "I said…"

"I'm sorry I can't hear you over your tie." Valera said before turning on her heel to leave the A/V lab.

Ryan watched her leave and threw up his hands in defeat. He looked up at the ceiling and began to negotiate with The Forces That Might Be again. "Seriously, I could use some help here."

xxXxx

If Ryan was questioning the existence of a higher power in the afternoon, by the time he and Eric discovered Calleigh had been kidnapped he was ready to rage against whatever kind of God allowed such a thing to happen. But, he kept calm and worked with H and Eric to follow the clues Calleigh had left them.

Currently, he was sitting at a table in an underground gambling facility waiting for Calleigh to lead the perp straight to them. At least he prayed that was what was going to happen. Ryan closed his eyes momentarily and acknowledged the irony of the situation. He had begged, cajoled and argued with a God he didn't think existed a lot today. And now, here he was praying for his friend's safety. He opened his eyes to find Eric staring at him. Ryan simply nodded to his partner and hoped that was enough to reassure the man.

Ryan was worried about Calleigh, but Eric, well Eric was the one in love with her. He could only imagine what Eric was going through right now. If anyone ever took Valera Ryan wasn't sure exactly what he'd do to the people responsible, but he knew his colleagues would never find the bodies or the evidence. Eric seemed to understand what Ryan was trying to convey with the nod, and he gave a determined look to both Ryan and Tripp. Then all three men turned as they heard a commotion at the entry way to the room.

xxXxx

Valera sat on her couch and cried. She hadn't been able to stop since she'd arrived home after work. She had wanted to stay at the lab until Calleigh was found, but Horatio had sent her home. He understood her distress and her need to feel useful, but there was little a DNA tech could do about a kidnapping situation. So Horatio had taken her aside and explained to her that the best thing she could do right now was to go home and be safe. She would play her part afterwards, once they had found Calleigh, and collected the evidence. Valera sniffled and went in search of tissues as she replayed Horatio's words in her head.

"Miss Valera. I know you're worried about Calleigh, but I need you to go home and let me handle this okay?" Horatio had said looking at her with concern.

Valera had given him her best resolved face. "I know there's nothing I can do here, but I can't sit at home either. She's my friend, one of my best-friends. If I was missing Calleigh would do everything in her power to find me."

"Yes, yes she would. But in this case I think she would agree with me. I assume Mr. Wolfe's explained to you what we're going to do?" Horatio asked.

Valera nodded her assent. "He said you're going to set the guys up. Wait for them to bring Calleigh to you. I just, I wish I could be sure it's going to work."

She needed convincing. So, Horatio Caine did that rare thing he did when someone needed convincing. He looked her in the eyes as he spoke to her. "I know you do. But Miss. Valera we rely on the evidence always don't we?" He watched her nod again. "And the evidence is saying that we should be able to recover Calleigh. But it's going to take sharp eyes and clear heads. So how you can help is to go home and give Mr. Wolfe one less thing to worry about."

Valera had to fight back tears as his words sunk in. H was right. Ryan was going to need his wits about him to ensure his and the team's safety. She felt ridiculous for having made such a production over his wardrobe choices all day. In the end she didn't care what he wore, as long as he came home in one piece. Valera blew her nose and looked at the clock, it was after midnight. She had no idea when Ryan would get home or what was going on at the sting location.

She returned to the couch and wrapped up in a throw blanket. She didn't expect to sleep, but she had to do something to ward of the chill that had come over her. She reached for the remote and turned on the TV to try and feel less alone in the dark apartment. At least she could take solace in the fact she and Ryan had made things up between them before he left for the sting. Horatio had granted them a few moments of personal time once she had agreed to leave the lab.

She had found Ryan waiting for her in the DNA lab when she went to collect her things. They'd both opened their mouths to speak at the same time. Ryan acquiesced first.

"You go ahead." He said scratching his neck.

Valera started to apologize, but decided it could wait. Instead she crossed the distance between them and kissed him for all she was worth. When they finally broke apart she placed her forehead against his and spoke. "I'm sorry about the way I acted today. I don't care if you stop getting dressed altogether, just be safe okay? And find Calleigh."

Ryan pulled her into a hug and spoke into her hair. "Well I think everyone really would have a problem with my dress sense if I came to work naked. Especially Eric and Tripp. But we're gonna bring her home I promise you that. Eric won't rest until we do."

"So we're good?" Valera asked, pulling out of his embrace.

"We're good," Ryan agreed. "Patrol's got a car waiting to take you home. I'll see you when I can okay?"

"Kay." Valera reached up to kiss him one more time. "Take care of you."

xxXxx

Valera startled awake at the sound of her cell phone going off. Apparently, a person could fall asleep no matter how emotionally distressed and worried they were. In this case she'd managed it by crying uncontrollably until it had exhausted her. She ran to her tote bag and dug out her phone.

"Ryan?" It couldn't possibly be anyone else.

"Yeah it's me. We got her. You should have seen it Max! Calleigh kicked the guy's ass! She's okay, we're all okay." He sounded tired but jubilant.

"And she's really okay?" Valera needed to hear it again.

"Yeah. I mean she let Eric drag her to the ER, but yeah she's good." Ryan replied.

Valera hesitated before she asked the next question. "Can, can you come home now?" She wanted the investigation into Calleigh's kidnapping to be thorough, but she also wanted Ryan home.

Ryan smiled into his phone. "Soon. I've gotta give my statement now that everything's died down. I'll be home after that."

"Okay."

"Hey…I love you." Ryan whispered so that his co-workers were unable to hear him.

Valera nearly started crying again. "I love you too."

"Ugly suit and all?"

"Ugly suit and all."

xxXxx

Despite Ryan's assurances that he would be home as soon as possible it was four hours later when he finally banged in through the door. The noise woke Valera up from her post-climatic events induced coma on the couch. She shook the sleep out of her mind and looked around. Ryan was making a lot of commotion in the back part of the apartment, most likely in their bedroom. And if she wasn't mistaken Eric was back there too, she could hear him talking to Ryan. What the hell was going on?

She stood up and wrapped her afghan around her. Then she made the stumbling progress of the newly risen towards her bedroom. She did this haphazard walk every morning after waking up, she just usually went in the opposite direction.

She winced as she slammed against the corner wall in the hallway and willed herself to be coordinated despite her grogginess. "Ryan?" she called. "Baby, where are you? Are you okay?" She hoped the fact she was saying all of this without her eyes fully opened didn't negate the sentiment. She was legitimately worried. She'd just always been bad at mornings.

"In the bedroom Max," he called back to her.

This made her happy. Ryan was home and safe and in the bedroom. Their bed was in that bedroom and she couldn't wait to lie on it, and maybe go back to sleep, after holding her just returned from battle boyfriend of course.

Valera was so sleepy she forgot there was a chance Eric was in the bedroom with Ryan. She face planted into the middle of the bed and rolled over only slightly to hold her arms out in what she thought was the general direction of her boyfriend.

"Ryan, honey, come to bed," she mumbled into her pillow.

Ryan didn't even look at her. He was too busy tearing through his side of the closet with Eric. "No time Babe. Me and Eric have got to get this stuff to Goodwill."

"Yeah," Eric agreed. He turned to look at Valera on the bed. "And also, gross. Do that shit on your own time. There's company present."

Ryan gave him a look and then held a shirt up for Eric's inspection. "Please, like you never made me sit there and watch you practically have sex with a chick at a bar. That was every Friday and Saturday night of my first year at the lab. It sucked, as do you. Also, is this one going?"

Eric looked down at the shirt Ryan was holding beneath his chin. Like most men they thought the suitableness of a garment could be ascertained simply by holding it against one's self. "First of all," Eric gave Ryan's chin a slap. "You suck. And, yeah that one's gotta go. It's pink and purple."

Valera was now fully awake. She had been since the words good and will had been uttered. "Uh, what's going on? Why is Eric in our bedroom? Why are you going through Ryan's shirts when Calleigh has just been god knows what danger? What the fuck is going on here?"

Both men turned to look at her. Eric spoke first. "Calleigh's doing fine. We left her at her house all snug and cozy with DVD's and Spunky Mewster. Never mind why we're going through Ryan's closet."

"No, no it's okay, she already knows," Ryan said to Eric.

Valera was still completely confused. "I know what?"

Eric was stunned. "She knew! How did she know if we didn't know?"

Ryan gave him a look that said shut up and follow me. "It was Max who so astutely pointed out my bad dress sense at work." He gave Eric another meaningful look. "But, it was only about my clothes."

Eric seemed to catch on. "Right," he drew the word out several syllables. "Yeah that's it," he turned to Valera. "Ryan really took everything you said to heart yesterday, and uh, so we decided once Calleigh was safe we'd uh, you know, get rid of the stuff you hate."

Maxine had been in a committed relationship too long to fall for this explanation. She knew Ryan, like most men, took no notice of anything their wives and girlfriends said about self improvement. She knew that every time she suggested a different shirt, a new hair cut, or maybe that he go to gym more often Ryan answered, "Sure Babe", but he'd tuned her out at, "You know what you should do".

She left the bed and came towards the closet. She focused hard on the two men in front of her and she could tell they were anxious to see if she'd bought their story. No dice. But she had to play along for a bit to get the information she needed.

"Well gee, I can't say I'm sad to see Ryan's ugly suits go, no matter what the catalyst," she said moving closer to the bags they were stuffing said suits into. "But, can I just see what you're throwing out? I mean I wouldn't want the good stuff to get mixed up with the bad. We don't need a full on cull here, just a paring down of the wardrobe."

Eric immediately pulled the garbage bag at his feet away from her. "Uh, no need Val, no need. We aren't that lame that we can't figure it out from here."

She read too many detective novels and worked in a crime lab too long not to know exactly what was going on. Eric clearly didn't want her to see what was in that bag, which meant she had to know.

Valera calmly extended her hand. "Give me the bag Eric."

"No."

She raised an eyebrow at his response. "Why? What could possible be in there that I haven't seen before? I've seen Ryan in all his states of dressed and undressed."

Ryan and Eric exchanged a panicked look. Eric could see Ryan's eyes telling him to hold steady, to not give in, but he'd lived with three sisters. He knew there was no escape once a woman latched on and wanted information. He pushed the bag towards Valera with a huff and a "Fine".

Valera snatched at the bag and opened it up. She could see many balls of fabric inside but the patterns were throwing her off. Ryan didn't own anything with butterflies on it did he? She reached for the garment and pulled it out. It was a man's shirt covered in neon butterflies, and it was big, too big for Ryan.

"Er," she held the shirt up to them both. "Where did this come from?" Before either of the men could answer she began to have a flashback induced by the lurid print from the shirt. It was Eric's. "This is yours," she stated while looking at Eric.

"Yes," he said, confirming the obvious.

"Why are your clothes in our closet?" Valera asked. She'd lost the plot somewhere along the way.

Ryan lowered the shirt he'd been holding under his chin the whole time. "They weren't. We uh, we went to Eric's place first after Calleigh's and we got some of his stuff. For the Goodwill…cause you know, I was gonna give some stuff, so uh, Eric just thought he'd be charitable."

Eric seemed to perk up at this explanation. "Yeah! That's it. I mean one good deed deserves another right?"

Valera dropped the butterfly shirt back into the garbage bag at her feet. "Yes, yes it does," she folded her arms. "The question remains however, how in the hell did you two decide after a night of panic stricken terror in which our good friend was kidnapped that you should spend the morning after donating clothes?"

She stared at them both but neither Eric, nor Ryan could come up with a reasonable explanation.

"Well when you put it that way…" Ryan couldn't think of a follow up remark.

"Yeah, when I put it that way, what the fuck is going on?" Valera demanded.

Ryan looked at the floor and Valera could tell a confession was coming. He always did it in the manner of a small child caught in the act of disobedience. "People at work think we're gay," he mumbled.

Valera still didn't understand what was going on. "Excuse me what?" His reasoning made as little sense to her as the time Alexx had asked him why he even dated Erica Sykes and he'd mumbled, "She's a very attractive woman".

Eric couldn't take it anymore. "We had to give our statements okay, about Calleigh's case. And so we gave them to this lady patrol cop. You know, Debbie from day shift."

Valera nodded. "Yeah, so?"

"So, she takes my statement, and then she says I must be really relieved." Eric paused to take a deep breath before continuing. He couldn't believe he had to tell this story to someone else. "And, I'm thinking does everyone know that I'm hung up on Calleigh?"

"Yes." Valera replied. "They do."

"Oh no they don't!" Ryan interjected. "Tell her what Debbie said!" he made the word Debbie sound like an insult.

Eric closed his eyes and continued. "She said I've had a tough time of late. What with my partner," he pointed at Ryan, "being suspended and now my best friend, Calleigh, being kidnapped."

Valera wasn't really sure were this was going. "Well, she's not wrong."

"She meant partner, as in boyfriend! Not partner as in we get shot at together!" Eric bellowed.

"Are you sure?" Valera knew she and Ryan were discreet about their relationship, but not that discreet.

"Yes I'm sure!" Eric voice was starting to take on a high pitched, panicked note. "She said all the girls on Patrol thought we were really cute and brave and she said it was so sweet how we dress alike. Well, coordinate our outfits."

Valera's response was to burst out laughing. So she wasn't the only one who'd noticed the suit/casual clothes switch hit they'd been performing for months.

"It's not funny!" Ryan cried.

"Oh it's a little funny," Valera said between giggles. "Plus, calm down Ryan. Stop being so heterosexist. We're in fucking Miami. Everyone's either Jewish or gay. I'm not surprised someone suspected you might be both. Since when is gay a bad thing?"

"It's not!" Ryan and Eric yelled at the same time.

"Then why are you both freaking out?"

She had them there. Neither of them could explain that while they didn't begrudge any man his urge to suck a dick, they didn't necessarily want their colleagues to assume that was what they went home together to do.

"It's not just that," Eric said trying to sidestep having to let Valera in on his gay policy. "We told Calleigh about it at the hospital and she laughed. Then she suggested it was because of my shirts, which she said, and I quote, look like my mom's table cloths!"

"To be fair she did say it made her day after being you know, kidnapped." Ryan reminded Eric of that small triumph. "It was nice to see her smile."

"Yeah, I guess," Eric mumbled. "But let me remind you, apparently everyone in Patrol thinks you're hot for me."

"Oh yeah," Ryan's face fell again. "Do you think that's why all the girls I asked out at work when I was in Patrol laughed at me? Did they think I was gay even then?"

Eric knew they were in this pot together, but he couldn't resist, because he was a straight man, insulting Ryan further. "Well man, I'm sure that wasn't the only reason they laughed."

"Hey!" Ryan couldn't believe Eric's lack of sympathy in this trying time. "They think you're pretty hot for me too you know."

"Please," Eric snorted. "Everyone knows you turned to gambling because I'm not as in love with you as you are with me."

Ryan's eyes widened. "You asshole! I can't believe people think I'd put up with you!"

Valera just watched the exchange and smiled. She fought hard against the urge to point out the irony of this entire conversation. In the end she lost the battle. "Yeah, I can't imagine why anyone would think you two might be gay for each other."

"Whatever," Eric stated. "The point is we're getting rid of any clothes that might cause the confusion to continue."

"Are you also going to stop fighting like an old married couple, insisting on sitting next to each other at every work function be it a debriefing or a Christmas dinner, and getting mad when H pairs you with other people for cases?" Valera asked with mock innocence.

Ryan rolled his eyes. "No Maxine," he sounded like he was trying to explain the ways of the world to a slow child. "I've told you, Eric's the only one who drinks enough to make work functions bearable," Eric interjected a here, here at this comment. "And, while I appreciate working with all my teammates me and Eric have a system."

"That's right, it's a system," Eric confirmed. "And, Ryan here, is meticulous," Ryan beamed with momentary pride until his friend continued. "Which is annoying as shit in everyday life, but very useful on the job. He handles the data, I do the creative thinking, you know, it works. Science plus suaveness, equals some Sherlock Holmes like detective work. If Holmes was say a weirdo with OCD and Watson was like honey to the ladies."

"Wait? Am I Holmes?" Ryan asked.

"Right, because there were absolutely no homosexual undertones to Holmes and Watson's relationship," Valera deadpanned.

"Might I remind you Watson," Ryan said to Eric. He had worked out that he was indeed the weird, OCD version of Holmes. "I'm the one with a girlfriend here." He pointed at Valera.

"Yeah so," Eric scoffed at him. "So you've got a girlfriend. Our peers don't know that, and they assume if you are in a relationship it's with me, and that you're clearly the bottom."

Ryan's face was incredulous. "Who said I was the bottom?"

"Please," Eric waved a dismissive hand at him. "It's a given that I'd be the Heath Ledger in this relationship and you'd be the Jake Gyllenhaal."

Ryan couldn't believe what he was hearing. "What?"

Valera shook her head as she watched the two of them launch into what was sure to be a long and protracted "fight". She was too tired for this. Calleigh was safe, and evidently as amused by this situation as Valera. So Maxine decided to crawl into the living room and call her friend just to hear her voice and ensure that she was indeed okay. Then they could laugh about Ryan and Eric and afterwards there would be a nap. She also felt she should call Debbie and thank her. After all, Valera had only started the maybe gaybe rumor yesterday at lunch. Debbie had made sure it to spread it to all four corners of the Miami Dade Police Force by afternoon break.

The End.


End file.
